Thursday, April 25, 2013

I Have Not Called This Story Off

Reference here. Table of contents here. I'm not happy with how this ended. I think the only way to really do this would be physically, with Sam and Tanya tossing tomatoes, potatoes and knives to each other, slicing things as they tapped. But, that's not something I can make happen in text cleanly. So, instead, you get this.

* * *

“Aren’t knives supposed to cut things?” I asked. Trevor showed remarkable restraint as he wiped the knife clean. I only imagine he was thinking of oh, the many, many other things he could cut with that knife. If only there weren’t witnesses and cameras.

“Chopping is a very specific culinary skill,” He said as he let the camera pan over the chopped carrots and celery. Tanya nodded approvingly as she bent down to pick up another bowl from behind the counter.

“Now we’ll watch how the knife slices clean through—”

“Wait, stop,” I said. Tanya held the tomato in one hand, and Trevor crossed his arms.

“What now?”

“Aren’t these softer than the carrots? How is this more impressive?”

“You use a different kind of knife— honestly, have you ever been in a kitchen before?” Tanya asked. I nodded and was about to offer that that’s where I had breakfast every day when Trevor grabbed the tomato.

“Look, just watch as this knife slices clean through this tomato.”

“To-mah-to,” I said.

Tanya grabbed the tomato back from Trevor and cut clean through it. “Tomato.”

“You can say it either way,” Trevor said. “Let’s focus on the knives.”

“I-ther.” Tanya said.

“No, either,” I said. “You say it either.”

“What are you two doing?” Trevor said, he threw a look out to the camera, where Lucy had shrunk down to half her size.

“Selling knives, with an extra potato peeler if you order now using the number on your screen,” Tanya said, showing the silver-y looking peeler in her hands. I imagined there was a zoom in.

“Po-tah-to.”

“Can you two deal with this after the set?” Trevor asked.

“Of-ter,” Tanya said. “Anyway, thank

“Off-ter isn’t even a legitimate pronunciation,” I said.

“Something really must be done,” Tanya said. “For now, call the number on your screen to order these Keinlin knives. In addition to the potato—POTATO—peeler, the first 100 callers will get an ers-ter knife.”

“Oyster knife,” I said as the lights came down. “But, look, let’s call the whole thing off for these commercial breaks.”

Then Tanya and I cringed as Lucy came roaring on to the stage. I don’t know how Tanya talked me into this; I think it had to do with the knife. I’d claim it was done under duress.

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