Sunday, March 3, 2013

Dear Sullivan, 4

"I'm Sullivan!"

So, Matt is apparently taking "The weekend off blogging." This sounds to me like him being a lazy human. I have a busy weekend filled with naps, chasing feathery things on string and pouncing on sunbeams. I cannot be picking up the slack here. But, I am a "team player," so I've decided to be kind enough to help him out. To do so, I've gone into the mailbag to answer some questions. You are all some crazy cats. Now, to do something just to piss my human off. Like finally add that CATMANCE tag I've been talking about.


First, I want to get some crow eating out of the way. Not real crow; good God, I'd never try and attack one of those things. They are death-on-wings. Not even to impress the potential future Mrs. Sullivan the Cat. I am apologize for the fact that, apparently, 49 people weren't allowed on the field at once. What do you expect? I'm a stuffed cat. Our first letter is from Betrayed in California.

Sullivan, Today I found my boyfriend of some years has been cheating on me. He tells me that he'll change, but I don't think he can. I'm hurt and thinking of ending it. What should I do? Should I confront this bitch?

That matters: Is your boyfriend an alpha cat or a loser cat? If he is an alpha cat, then it doesn't matter if he'll change. He's the best you're going to get, so you stick with him. It isn't cheating; it is ensuring his genes are passed on to the next litter. A stronger, better litter. If he's a loser cat, that's your own fault for getting conned; kick him to the curb. This is basic Darwinian Cat Theory-- Wait? This bitch? Your boyfriend is cheating on you with a dog? Look, I'm an open minded stuffed cat, but, cats and dogs living together! That's an omen of a disaster of Biblical proportions. Run and don't look back.

Sullivan, Recently at work, one of my coworkers has been disappearing an hour or two before the day ends. I really get along with him, but it is causing the rest of us to have to pick up his slack. I want to talk to him about it, but I think it would hurt our friendship. I could go anonymously to HR or our supervisor, but then I'd feel like I was going behind his back.

I'm confused by your problem. I never do my job. Just this week, I forgot to give Matt his messages, didn't clean my cat prints off his desk and forgot to file away these letters in the junk mail drawer for shredding/burning. Work is for the birds. Or the ants. Look at how awesome the grasshopper's got it. I mean, granted all the ants'll be dicks later on, but whatever, right? Either way, I notice you didn't sign your letter Judas the Betrayer, so here's my advice: Next time your buddy takes off early, go with him. Explore the great outdoors: See what else there is to see beyond the fragile, lonely office world you live in.

That's all the advice I have for today. Today's theme was RUNNING FROM YOUR PROBLEMS.



I made a pop cultural reference; one could say, I made a funny. Hah, I made another funny. This makes my writing easier to relate to for humans. Matt taught me this; I'm trying to help him write for cats. He's... not doing very well.

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