Sunday, February 3, 2013

Dear Sullivan, 2

I received such a tremendous following yesterday, that I have decided to once again chip in and help Matt out today. Yesterday he was busy watching a movie with too many dogs and not enough cats, and today he's apparently watching a movie about super heroic place settings. I just don't get human entertainment; I suppose it is the simple things in life that keeps them entertained. Some day, I will explain the intricacies of the feather on a string to him, but for now, to the mailbag.


I still don't get it. Anyway, the first is from a someone who prefers to remain anonymous, as they are writing from the fictional land of Wyoming.

Hello Sullivan. I noticed yesterday you said you couldn't speak. Then, you quoted yourself talking to your mother. How does that work? Also, if you're a stuffed cat who was sold in a store, how do you even have a mother? You're internally inconsistent. That makes you not funny.

I can answer these questions, but I fear they cut me to the quick. I can't speak -people-. I can speak -cat-. This is an important distinction with a difference; I learned that from Matt. It means: "Because I say so." Like, why can I go on the coffee table but not the dinner table? "That's a distinction with a difference." I think he just makes up phrases to feel smarter than me. Which is sad, since I am a stuffed cat. As to the question about my mother: Your mom's a stuffed cat who was sold in a store. Doesn't that hurt? Let's agree never to go there again, OK, Wyoming? If that's even your real name.


I am planning to retire in about 40 years. I'm comfortable with a high-risk retirement portfolio, at least for the next 20 years, but my wife would prefer a more conservative investment strategy. Money isn't tight now, but I know that it is the cause of a lot of pain in relationships. What should I do?

I suggest you first ask your wife if she would also prefer a more conservative husband, because you could arrange that. She was willing to make a risky proposition with a cat who thinks he'll still be alive in 40 years, let alone 20, to reap the benefits of a government program that could go insolvent any moment now. Or, if you actually value your marriage and the woman you claim to love, you can do what any sensible cat would do. Withdraw your money from that retirement that will never happen -- and what do you really need a retirement for when the humans take care of us? -- and buy her the feather on string she's always had her eye on. Maybe buy her a Fancy Feast and rekindle the magic of when you were but a Tom Cat and silly dreams of immortality were far beyond either of your thoughts. Or just lie to her.


Wait, that last cat was married, right? That means this gets the ROMANCE tag. I think I should make a CATMANCE tag for when Matt gets back and sees how well I've handled everything. It's like a BROMANCE, but with a CAT.

Well, that's all the time we have for today. I was asked who I thought would win the Super Bowl, but I am boycotting it due to its pro-canine messaging. If I had to answer though, I would pick the team that's allowed to have 49 people on the field at once. You just can't beat numbers in a game like this.

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